Only in my self can I find the will.

It seems to be so much easier for me to get dumped than it is to dump guys. I guess it's because I genuinely like them, which worries me about them.
Some of the guys I've dated. I spend time looking at other people's life stories, their le love moments and I'm starting to see patterns. Maybe I'm looking out for my passions, you never know. But what I see, is the people who try the ones who make the effort and the ones who are slow, the receivers who hurt and love and hope silently.
The first group are the ones who always boast, who are always out, who get all the men, who get the flowers, who you half admire half hate.
The slow ones fill up message boards dark corners and spend 80% of their time single.
I take hope however from the words of that anonymous poster in postsecret, I take hope from the fact that even though I have not met you, you have not met me yet either.

Love Gifts

Simple Gifts that make a Big Impact
Love Gifts

It takes effort to create unique and innovative love gifts. It all goes back to the idea that any effort worth making is worth making with thought and meaning. Here are some ideas for simple love gifts that can make a big impact.
Ideas for Gifts of Love
• Gather gifts over time at flea markets, vintage stores, art supply shops, and antique malls so that you always have something special at hand in your gifts drawer.

• Group together a few small gifts to tell a story. You can do it by creating a theme, like vases of flowers, or all things cashmere. You can also create a gift based on color, for example a white ironstone platter with white soap and a fluffy white towel. Join small gifts with a common motif such as butterflies or birds. Being an ocean-lover, I once received a very special gift of a porcelain shell dish with hand-painted shells and a vintage book on shells. Appropriate gifts for a man can be a challenge, but be on the lookout for elements of dark wood. A themed gift communicates the message that you’ve thought about the receiver’s personality and made an effort.

• Create inspirational gifts for those people who have had a meaningful effect on your life. Be creative. Look for an item that symbolizes the idea that ‘life is precious,’ or ‘salt of the earth,’ or ‘offering a helping hand,’ then add an encouraging love note centred on that thought.

• Remember that the presentation of love gifts is almost as important and meaningful as the gift itself. Consider presenting a gift in beautiful vintage boxes. Nestle your gifts in soft tulle and decorate the wrapping with ribbons of silk, satin or velvet and dried or fresh flowers.

• Collect wrappings over time and recycle paper and ribbons, both for the sake of our planet and to acquire a potpourri of different items and styles. You never know when you will be able to use something again. Besides, it’s good to have something on hand for unplanned occasions.

• Mix the everyday with the beautiful, for example a gift wrapped in plain black-and-white newspaper, but tied with a wide, silky ribbon in a soft color. • Remember that not every gift has to be wrapped. For example, clothing can look spectacular on a decorated hanger.

• The final element of the gift is the card, which should be as meaningful as possible. The thought of making cards can be overwhelming, but the creative process can actually be quite therapeutic if you’re that way inclined. You can use anything from plain paper cards to photographs. Scraps of fabric, ribbons and even feathers make for spectacular love notes and cards. Personalized cards are considered treasures by most.

Most excellents tips on how to write notes

Writing Short Love Notes

Surprise your partner with short love notes to show how much you care. Little things mean a lot - and if you really want to impress them with your romantic ideas, show some creative flair!


Romantic Love Notes

Short Love Notes You'll be sure to catch your sweetheart's attention with romantic love notes that intrigue or excite them. They're sure to appreciate short love notes that will make them smile, wonder or even something sexy that will light their fire. Try the following ideas:

- Leave a note tucked under the windshield wiper of your partner's car that says, 'I love your car... but I love you more.'

- Write 'I love you on colored Post-It notes and stick them all over the house.

- Send a dozen roses, but with a romantic twist. Choose eleven red roses and one white rose with a note that says, 'In every bunch there's one that stands out - and you're that one.'

- Write 'You're the One for Me with soap on the bathroom mirror.

Funny Love Notes

Inject a dose of humour into your relationship by leaving short notes in unexpected places for your partner to find:

- Write a note on an egg in the refrigerator that says, 'You crack me up :)'

You can even write funny love notes on a roll of toilet paper.



Sexy Love Notes

If you're in a passionate mood, give your partner the following short love notes:

'(Your name and surname) invites you to a banquet. Main course - (your name and surname).'

or...

- Put a note on the tv that reads, 'Why don't you turn me on instead?'

- Send a single flower with a note that says, 'Where? Where-ever you want. When? You decide.'

- Mail your flame a pack of matches with a note that reads, 'I'm hot for you...' Sweet Love Notes


I jacked this from

Elizabeth Barret Browning- Sonnets from the Portuguese

Because her words are beautiful and I love her, i have decided to write my own versions of her poems. One day I may find someone to write them to, or maybe someone will steal them and use them to woo someone beautiful.


I I thought once how Theocritus had sung

I thought once how Theocritus had sung
Of the sweet years, the dear and wished-for years,
Who each one in a gracious hand appears
To bear a gift for mortals, old or young:
And, as I mused it in his antique tongue,
I saw, in gradual vision through my tears,
The sweet, sad years, the melancholy years,
Those of my own life, who by turns had flung
A shadow across me. Straightway I was aware,
So weeping, how a mystic Shape did move
Behind me, and drew me backward by the hair;
And a voice said in mastery, while I strove,--
"Guess now who holds thee!"--"Death," I said, But, there,
The silver answer rang, "Not Death, but Love."

Is this what life is about?

When you decide to take a course of action and stick to it, you become aware. Aware of lies. The lies you tell yourself and the lies others tell you.

There are many way you can when this happens. Some of them including just caving into the lies and ignoring all signs that it is not working which requires alot of work but is quite easy. Or you can find the truth. This is very time consuming and can be quite disheartening after a while you start to lose faith in your fellow human beings. You start to lose faith in yourself as you realise all the tings you have been telling yourself is all untrue then you wonder what the hell you are doing here, in this space. You may wonder, what is the point of your life.

When I got to this point my first thought was, oh my goodness, you are so idle/ you have got so useless, you are now asking the meaning of life.
The next thing I thought was, what if I came to the conclusion and I was useless and I did not affect anyone in any dramatic or relevant way. Why should I be here. Etc.
Then I decided not to think anymore.

That works.

I want to write to you

I have never been interested in love the study of it or its expression. My primary
concern was to make sure all my needs were fulfilled. I spent most of my childhood wanting my dad to come back and when I wasn't doing that I was hating my mom for not caring that I missed him, She always felt rather guilty about this but never did anything about it. So as I have reflected backwards I have seen the patterns and trends in my life.

I refused to talk to my mother and as she suspected that I disliked her, she was constantly ransacking my stuff for extracts from my mind. She would painstakingly go through every scrap of paper I had ever written but never listen to the words coming out of my mouth or what they signified. I don't know why. Having no one to talk to and no way to express it, I became quiet. Quiet on the outside as well as on the inside.

I have written more than one blog but it was always discovered by people I didn't want to share it with or got deleted or lost. In the case of my last blog on yahoo, in 2001, both happened. I have decided to write again because I find it too hard to cope without an excessive outpouring of words. In the form of a poem or so.
So I am here again, without faith just a need to be fulfilled.

On the lighter side of things I want to write about love, not too long ago, for the first time in my life, I fell, in love. It was amazing, I wanted to write him poetry. so I dug high and I dug low for love poetry that would swoon his heart and would give me an outlet to express all the things bubbling up inside me. I wanted to instead of standing mutely with desire in my face, i wanted to speak it, get off my chest. Fly.

So I investigated the most romantic form of poetry yet. Love and of the medieval poets. I found them, well crap. After reading many nameless authors sing the praises of the "great" poets, I decided to read them all. I found them and I will be really honest, crap.
Ovid had to be the biggest disappointment. How to get a lady he wrote, tell her she is the most amazing thing to walk the face of the earth. I read this I sighed. Why such a stupid lie grandfatherly one? A joke or an observation that came from observation would do, saying something memorable is the expression you are looking for, saying I am the most beautiful thing to walk the face of the earth tells me something for sure. It tell me that you are an idiot, and blind, a nice combination, I can easily take advantage of you. Well done, understand the condescending tone I take when speaking to you now?

Then he goes on the say, stay friends with her friends, make them like you, make her trust you. I think ah, the old trick, even I find my friends annoying, but you are welcome to pretend to like them for my sake. You must really like me to put up with that shit. Aww, how cute. You are a stupid boy but so sweet.
Then he goes on to say, after frequent hesitations and beating round the bush, if you get her alone and she is taking too long to have sex with you, rape her, she will get over it, after all its a thing that happens all the time. Aww, lovely. Of course, up until that point I didn't even know that you had a penis, thank you for reminding me so forceful that you do, and that all your previous action were an act to get you to this point. Even better that in this century there was no contraception and half of all women died in childbirth. I stopped reading at that point.
The more I read the more disheartened I was. Courtly love should actually be called how to have an affair. I though, perhaps this is a man thing, surely women would not write such crap. I found Marie De France, she was very different. she wrote loads of parables, lots of fairy tales. Other interesting topics included, how to pass notes to your lover and not get caught by your husband, how to pass your pregnancy off as your husband's. How to make someone sleep with you.
Ah well. At least I tried to read up.
I tried to move on the medieval poet, Chaucer, Boccaccio, Machaut, they all copied Ovid.
Mythological Allusion, as Katherine Heinrichs said in "Myths of Love" of course. At least relation you can identify, this was more difficulty. At least now I had an intellectual way to describe Bollywood film. They all were based around mythological allusions of Hindi myths. They were never about love.Ramesh Sippy is a modern day Chaucer. Oh the things that are so clear to me when mixed with Christianity are so blurred when uttered by those that repeat myths.
So where can I turn to for inspiration? How can I make my love come out, when I am sure it will come down? i read a book on modern love, turning my nose up at the book called "Love poems of Great Men". The book I read touched my heart, it was full of hope and risky first steps, regret, painful goodbyes, stalking, shame and the solace of friends.
I know what love is, I know how it makes you feel, I know what you say when it goes wrong but I still don't know to tell my Cherie in a whisper in the half light to make his heart smile. I have wondered so long, I no longer have the reason to. But I the need keeps me wondering,I may return to that place again. What would I say to make his heart smile the way he makes mine smile

A poem

I have always been interested in love and intimact and tried to read everything I can on it. Most of the stuff peole hail as being the best about a topic is almost always a lie for example I read the Kama Sutra and found its a guide on how to get lots of women to shag you. Handy for 2nd century Indian bourgoise, but sadly not for me.
The Joy of Sex, again, written for men by men. Women thrown in presumably because they are prettier than looking at their own hand. But really, this is not a guide for women.
This happens alot but then again some of the stuff they say is beautiful and enlightening and I decided to edited this song because song writers have this nasty habit of making their songs appeal to the mass market by giving it two or more meanings.
I stripped the meaning that is not relevant to me away!



Wildest Dreams by The Renaissance

In my wildest dreams
You always play the hero
In my darkest hour of night
You rescue me you save my life

In my wildest dreams
You're my Valentino
Like those silent picture days
You steal my heart and carry me away



Meet me here tonight in my wildest dreams
I always dream in colour
Somewhere between the black and white
You'll find our love can shine so bright

We're stranded on an island
In our tropic paradise
You make love and wave the boats goodbye

Meet me here tonight in my wildest dreams
Drift away
Let's fly away
Run with me

Above the clouds we fly
We dance upon the stars and touch the sky
In my wildest dreams this night will last forever
Come jam with me